People have been asking me for the last two weeks if I'm excited about our trip to Croatia. I would have answered them if I weren't so stressed out, frustrated, exhausted, anxious, angry and just plain disgusted to respond. After spending about twenty years thinking about my Croatian family, 6 years hunting for the Rubicks with the help of three professional Croatian genealogists, two months getting everything in place for my mother's care (new power of attorney, new health care directive, a 10 page list of instructions including her entire medical history, list of 20 meds, doctors, insurance policies and every form of identification), six weeks trying to get the technology I need for the trip to actually WORK, three weeks arguing with the airlines about our flights, two weeks waiting to find out if the people I'm visiting in Italy are actually going to be there, one week watching to see if my MAC will actually work or if I have to buy a new PC, I really wasn't all that interested in the trip itself. More than once I've answered "I don't care anymore - I don't even want to go there", but I know that isn't true. Of course I want to go. Otherwise, all of this torture ahead of time would truly have been for naught. And I'm not having that be the case - no way.
I wonder now, as we sit in the airport waiting for our big old long flight to Rome via Germany, whether I could have gotten to this point without that hell of planning and angst. It did occur to me all along that I was on a quest to plan for every possibility....I mean EVERY single one. Sally, who'll be taking care of mom, will never have to wonder about anything - from where mom gets her depends to what to take to the hospital. There will be a team of standby supporters to help her handle any circumstance. Mom will get her birthday card two days in advance, a mother's day card the same way, and of course, her gifts are already wrapped and sitting on the dining room table. We've paid our bills for two month's ahead, cancelled the paper, emailed everyone we know a travel itinerary. Someone will get the mail, feed the birds, visit mom every day.
The baton that is our everyday life has been passed for a few weeks, but trust me, it hasn't been an easy hand off.
I promise that my next emails will include the uplifting miracles that have already happened in this quest to find my Croatian relatives. I will bombard you with stories and pictures of our adventures as we begin this holy quest to find my father's family.
It will inspiring. You'll wish I'd write a book about it (and I will). We'll all be smiling and laughing and using words like "wow" and "I can't believe it" and "that is SO cool!".
Right now, though, I just need to take a nap and wait for it to sink in that I've planned enough, prepared enough, and there's nothing left to do .... but just GO!
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